What’s worse than the nuclear bombing in Hiroshima? Teens being depressed. It’s disgusting how this trend has not been addressed. It’s more of a relevant joke than an actual matter. A lot of people act like it’s a broken foot, when in reality it’s a stubbed toe. Still hurts but there’s no reason to scream. Since no one is trying to solve this issue, I, a simple, humble man, will solve this problem. Thank me later.

    There is an easy solution to fix a world of depressed teens:get rid of them all. There can’t be depression if no one is alive. I will invent a device that can detect depression. This device will also be able to detect if babies will grow into a depressed state when they become teens. I will issue a law that babies destined to be depressed will be thrown away, disappear, cease to exist, vanish, and or no longer be of importance. The parents will be given a five dollar bill in return for their pain and suffering for the loss of their child; this way, we can stop any oncoming generation of newly depressed children. Yet, this would still leave a massive part of the population left needing to be fixed.

    Next, I will attack the school education system. Every teen in school–whether it’s homeschooling, private schools, public schools, or any other sort of schooling–starting when the child turns 12, must go through a depression scanning. If the child is deemed depressed, they will go through a series of torture till proven happy. They have 12 weeks for change, otherwise, a fiery death awaits them. Don’t worry, they will be asleep when this happens.

    I know, this seems moderately harsh. I don’t want to hear the excuses on true validation of depression. I get it, Samantha woke up late, Bethany got a 89 percent on her test. Brad got his Nike dirty, Hunter got dumped. Stephanie broke her 1,000 dollar phone and now she has to get a job at Subway. Jake forgot a test today, William is ugly, Tristan is stuck in traffic. Gertrude has greasy hair, Katelyn can’t go to the dance, Madison has horrible grades, Destiny didn’t make the volleyball team. won’t eat his pizza because it is cold. Bertha left her homework on her dresser which made her cry at night. All of these inconveniences are just that, inconveniences they are not the reason for depression.  

 Of course, comments are open to suggestion from extreme intellectuals such as me. My suggestion to others, a slap of reality. Everyone is depressed somehow; there are lots of self-diagnoses and “poor me.” It’s trending to be “depressed,” leaving those with actual depression to be silenced by everyone else claiming to be depressed. The cruelest way to get rid someone is drown their voice out, having their depression masked in a sea of everyone else complaining about their depression, never giving them a chance to be taken seriously and turning their life into a joke.