A Month of Biden [satire]

How the Biden administration is letting America down

Ethan Biersdorff, Opinion Editor

It is without question that the first month of the Biden administration has been an absolute failure truly worthy of impeachment. The first important reason why is the drastic difference between Covid-19 cases in the first month of this presidency and any before it. There are well over 27 million cases in this country now, which also happens to be well over 27 million more cases than at the beginning of any other presidency. This is absolutely disgusting, and the only clear explanation is this president’s incompetence. 

     Another huge flaw is that the new president is an absolute nerd. On Trump’s first day, he signed a few papers, handed out some pens, then hopped on social media for the rest of the day like a normal person. Meanwhile the Loser in Chief decided to announce 17 executive actions and work all day like an absolute nerd. He may think he is helping people, but what would really be helpful is if he could be at all relatable. Trump was emotional, he made his thoughts public, and he improvised rather than thinking about what he should say in advance. Biden just can’t be related to in the same way.

     Along with his presidential failures, Biden doesn’t even put the effort into his appearance. Trump was an orange beauty that could pull off some tennis shorts, spending thousands and thousands on his appearance for us. Biden doesn’t have that same kind of care, he looks like someone you would just see on a train and think nothing of it. Biden doesn’t even go out in public as much to be admired, and there are no rallies screaming for his presence like there were for Trump, showing his lack of huge support.

     Joe doesn’t even overspend in the military correctly! With Biden’s reversal of Trump’s transgender ban, Biden is going to be spending money for people who need extra needs instead of spending it on cool stuff like guns and explosions. Trump increased military spending by billions from the end of the Obama administration because he wanted us to be strong and there is no better way to help the everyday person than to spend money on the military. Yet, Biden wants to bring military funding down and divert it from our awesome equipment to making soldiers’ lives easier and making the military more accessible. That’s simply not what the American military is all about.

     All of this is bad, but potentially worst of all is Biden’s choices in his personal life. While Trump opted to play golf, which is incredibly entertaining, Biden has decided he is more of a Mario Kart man. Now this isn’t an issue, almost cool, but there is a horrifying truth just below the surface. He plays as Luigi, that is completely unforgivable and could be easily counted as treason and he should be impeached for that alone. Why Luigi? If you like green, choose Yoshi! Luigi is a sidekick forever and an absolute wimp, and this variety of poor decision making shows that Biden is not fit for office.

     He could easily be impeached for any or all of these, yet the Democrats only want to impeach former president Trump for the party at the capital. It’s ridiculous and it shows how scary the Democrats controlling the government is, they won’t get rid of an overachieving Luigi lover but they will push for people to get arrested for partying and speaking their minds. Truly dark times we live in.